Gavin Williamson: A man too dumb even for the Boris Johnson cabinet | John Crace

Tthe hinges were even worse than they looked. Liz Truss looked positively chirpy in the front seat before the prime minister’s questions. One of number 10 told him he was in line for a promotion. close change. Uselessness was clearly a very valuable commodity in a Boris Johnson government. No one could cut and paste an existing trade deal and rebrand it as a new one like Truss. At least because he truly believed he had accomplished something remarkable.

Priti Patel didn’t seem that comfortable at first. But that’s because Boris’s Home Office’s UK “Saudi Arabian criminal policy“As a sign that the Prime Minister thinks he is being soft on crime. Rishi Sunak, sitting next to him, had to convince Boris that these words were actually meant as a compliment. “You will be fine,” the Chancellor said. You couldn’t be dimmer, and the prime minister really values ​​the fact that you’re just as bad as being useless.”

It was the absences that said the most. Number Gavin “Special Crane” Williamson. Number Robert “Honest Bob” Jenrick. Number Dominic “Psycho” Raab. to Gavin”go and shut up” It had been much more difficult than Boris had expected. In principle, because Williamson made some believe that he was the secretary of education in the first place. Johnson had to review his achievements – “transformational reforms” – to make everything he came into contact with incomparably worse.

“So you’re firing me,” said Gav at last, before bursting into tears. “What about all the things I’ve done to help you become the leader of the Tory party? Doesn’t that matter at all?”

“You’re dumber than I thought,” Johnson replied. “The one thing everyone knows about me is that I always disappoint people. So you must be waiting to be fired.”

Robert Buckland has just suffered collateral damage. Boris had asked Robert to come to the parliamentary office and had waited for Jenrick to arrive. But when Buckland accidentally walked through the door, it seemed like a good opportunity not to be missed. “Don’t get too carried away, Robert,” Johnson had said, “but it would be very helpful to give your job to someone else. So I have to ask you to clear your desk, even if you’re no worse off than some of the dead kicks I’ve sustained and promoted.”

Ten minutes later, Boris had tracked down the right Robert and was giving Jenrick marching orders. The housing secretary had initially wondered why she was abandoned because she was desperate when she could have been fired months ago for illegally approving a planning application. Former pornographer and Tory donor saves Dirty Des £45m. Johnson just shrugged. That’s how it rolled. Jenrick could go back to the nothingness he was born to be.

Getting Raab out of the State Department had been the hardest of all. For some reason, Dom wasn’t too keen on being without a paddle in a crappy creek. Especially when the sea is closed. The vein on his forehead was throbbing. Several unidentified bodies were to be found in the Thames in the coming days.

“I can’t put it any clearer than that,” Boris had explained. “Tory lawmakers are furious about the way we’re handling the issue. Afghanistan is in shambles And they want scalps. So it’s either you or me who should take the blame. And after a nanosecond of thought, I’m here to tell you you took the trash. But on the plus side, you will be demoted to justice minister and given the completely meaningless title of deputy prime minister.”

Appointing new cabinet ministers was all the more fun. Truss was surprised to learn that she would be herself. new foreign minister. Although not as surprised as the rest of the country as he could barely put England on a map.

Michael Gove needed to be warned to stay away from drugs and kneel as he was. new housing secretary. “You will also be responsible level up, whatever,” observed Boris. In response, Govester had asked whether it was still appropriate to block affordable housing in his constituency. when it comes Nadine Dorries as culture secretary, seemed like a good laugh at the time, but even Johnson was beginning to hesitate.

“The thing is,” Carrie said as she ate a takeaway pizza in apartment 10 that evening, “you seem like you’ve done the impossible. You’ve found people with more crappy shit than Williamson and Raab and you’ve given them a job. Grant Shapps’ to be secretary of transportation. “Imagine a world where there is no one better than the cabinet. The cabinet is in even worse shape than it was this morning.”

Boris shrugged. He could only play the cards dealt to him. The gene pool in the conservative party was at an all-time low. After all, how else could someone like him be a leader? Still, it had an advantage. Everyone was so focused change They seemed to have forgotten that he handed his ass to him on a plate. Keir Starmer at PMQs on universal credit. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

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