Pam Rowe Shares Her Experiences of Abuse During Her Childhood and How It Taught Him to Be a Better Mother to Her Son – From Her Memoir Clean water
issue a warning – sexual abuse / child abuse
When Rowe had a son, she was worried about many things. Will she be able to pick him up? How will she protect him from the devastating things she went through?
By evaluating her experiences and how they made her feel, she was able to ensure that her son didn’t have to do the same things she did.
Even though she was not the abuser, Rowe knew that other family members could also harm children. Here’s how she protected and raised her son…
watch caregivers closely
Like any mother, before I had a son, there were many things I didn’t know and had to learn.
I didn’t know how to find out the reason for her crying, I hadn’t changed nappies before, and I didn’t know how responsible I would feel for that little man who owed so much to me to visit each of his babies. was dependent. need.
In my case, there were some things I didn’t have to learn or anticipate, and this was due to my experience with extreme abuse as a child.
was not going to leave his son with anyone for a long time
For example, I was aware of the damage adults can do to children, so I was never going to leave my son with anyone for long periods of time – certainly days, weeks, months or years. Not for
I was never going to do what my mother did by abandoning me for years from the age of two.
I felt unwanted and unpleasant, especially because there was no mention of her reason for leaving and no effort was made to make me feel better about it. Not to mention the attack I experienced from my aunt, the person she left me with.
When it came time to leave my son with the kids during the day, which I had to do because of work, I was very careful.
I knew about Balminders’ acceptance processes because I was a social worker in the same department as the waiting team.
This was not enough though; I was careful to check their attitudes towards the children before and while they were taking care of my son. I will never forget the time when one of his two children felt so comfortable with me that he shared his beliefs.
After convincing them, she said she wanted to ask me if I had met anyone on the ‘dark side’ while I was pregnant.
It made me wonder what would he have done to the child?
When I asked what she meant and why she was asking this question, she said she noticed that my son looked at her strangely – I realized the woman was indicating witchcraft!
This would never have come to the fore if I had not made him comfortable enough to talk with me. I informed him and immediately removed my son from his care.
I was kicking myself because I didn’t realize this crazy lady was taking care of my son. Later I realized that without this conversation there is no way of knowing.
Still, it got me wondering what would he have done to the baby? What did he already do?
Value your child’s relationships
I knew I needed to communicate with kids, because I didn’t have that much when I was growing up.
So, I went out of my way to encourage my son’s father to spend time with him.
He learned this, and to this day my son has many fond memories of the time he spent with his father and is a more balanced round person because of it.
Look at the examples other people are showing
Because I knew that parents could harm children, being emotionally, physically, and sexually hurt, I carefully observed their father’s interactions with his son in my childhood, when I thought his point of view. Could affect my son’s confidence.
There were instances when they were being punished for teaching something or the other.
His father never hit him, but I noticed that some of his values were not helpful to my son. Like the fact that his father was a defeatist, he gave up before trying to do the things in life that would make him successful. I was worried because I wanted my son to achieve all that he can in life.
I watched his father’s conversation
As a result, I will always emphasize the positive things one of my abusers taught me (yes, abusers can provide good things too).
My aunt told me over and over again (and I did the same with my son) that I can be whatever I want to be with the effort required.
I was deliberate about ensuring their self-confidence because perhaps this was part of what made me resilient against the abuses I experienced, though in a lesser way.
admit that sexual abuse Does Present
Because of the sexual abuse I experienced from my father; I knew that people including family members sexually abuse children.
I was fifteen when I moved to the UK to live with my father, meeting him for the first time. He was the first friendly and happy adult I lived with, so I was nice and happy laughing at his jokes and thinking I had finally met him.
When his wife turned to see what was happening and then patted her back, I was devastated
Then one night while I was sleeping in his room on my pull up bed because he didn’t have a separate room for me, my father left his side of the bed to walk around where I was sleeping (next to my stepmother) ) for sexually abusing me.
When his wife turned to see what was happening and then patted her back, I was devastated. It happened again, and I couldn’t do anything about it because I didn’t feel there was anyone to protect me.
My son was knowing that I was around to protect him and he was also going to know how to protect himself. I sent this message with every pore in my body that I should be careful not to overwhelm her with my efforts to protect her.
The fact that my son was a boy didn’t matter to me, I never left him with my father or my stepmother, not even for a moment.
I introduced him to him because I didn’t want my son to believe that he had no family. I used to think that when I was little there was no other member in my family except my aunt. I knew the feeling of isolation I was feeling, but I was cautious Knowledge that they were miscreants.
talk and listen
The second thing I devoted myself to doing in a hurry was to make sure my son could express his feelings. Before he could talk, I let him know that I was interested in what he said.
I used words that could explain what he was feeling. I asked him if he felt sad when he fell, I asked him if he was happy when he was helping her to name her feelings.
I spent a lot of time choosing books that were fun to read and that could help them defend themselves. I found suitable books for all stages of his development (aided by his parents), some of which he refers to today, even after almost 30 years.
Before he could talk, I told him that I was interested in what he had to say
These children’s books told them about proper behavior by adults and also taught them about values.
I had planned that my son would not express the kind of vulnerability, passivity that would make anyone feel they could harm him and get away with it, without him explaining what happened.
He was not so passive and life-threatening that he projected it to everyone and miscellaneous, which I did because of the mistreatment I had suffered.
Although I had to be careful because he needed to be able to listen and be respectful as well. I think I’ve achieved the right balance; He is an outspoken young man who is confident and a pleasure to be around.
proof of his ability to defend himself
I found out that my strategies were effective when one day, I had to drop them to go for the interview.
When I returned to pick her up from my friend, who was also a social worker and had young children her age; I entered the house to see him sitting on the stairs looking very hard and refusing to move.
When I asked what was wrong my friend told me that he refused to take a bath with his son. He saw nothing wrong with it, but clearly, he did and refused. He confirmed what he said, and I was very proud.
It is important for children to have at least one occasion when they have said no to an adult and were supported.
You see, my experience taught me that it was important for children to have at least one occasion when they said no to an adult and were supported.
There were other occasions when he was not comfortable being with other people and I listened to him. I knew he was clear about right or wrong depending on what he felt. It also taught me about these friends.
I never told him to be careful with anyone, he learned from my caution and used his judgment from a very young age. I saw him in his teens too.
body defense – martial arts
I did other things without realizing that it was the result of abusive caregivers.
From the age of five my son attended martial arts classes. He has continued to this day because he values the confidence and discipline he has taught him.
He was first introduced to martial arts by his mother, whose son did the same thing. At first I wasn’t sure about it because I didn’t understand how it helps with confidence and boosts defensive skills.
I thought it would encourage him to fight, which I didn’t want because I was very afraid of violence because of what happened to me as a child.
I knew my fear shouldn’t be his fear
However, I knew that my fear shouldn’t be his fear, so I made sure I took him to every class without fail. When he was old enough to go on his own, he went religiously.
I know that I have provided a firm belief in the need for continuity. I think about it now, and I realize that I didn’t have much stability as a kid to move to three countries to live with different relatives.
As a result, I was so determined that he would finish what he had started, including university and his law profession.
A few years ago, he expressed his desire to take up another profession, which he enjoys doing the most. I’m glad I raised a young man who really knows he can do anything he wants to do.
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